Question: I had my midyear review and
received feedback that I am not perceived as being aggressive enough. They
would like me to be more aggressive, push back, and challenge my leaders’
ideas. I have a concern about this. My experience is
that women can be labeled quickly if too aggressive. Frankly,
this can make people uncomfortable. This can be especially true for
women of color like myself. Do you know of any resources that might help me
have a stronger presence without having to walk the line of aggression?
Jo Miller answers:
I think you were just given a compliment, although a backhanded one, that is wrapped in confusing developmental feedback. The compliment is that your management thinks there’s more to you than you let on. You are being praised for your solid instincts, but challenged to bust out of your comfort zone, speak up, and add value. You’re being encouraged to act less like a high-performing team player and more like a leader. They think it is time for you to transition from doing to leading, and have identified your lack of “aggression” as the gap. But confusingly, your manager said “be more aggressive” rather than giving more detailed, useful feedback.
First, re-frame what you think “aggressive “means
Is it possible that aggressive doesn't mean what you think it means?Ask your manager to provide some additional adjectives or behaviors to describe exactly what they want you to do differently. For example, one woman I know was asked to be more aggressive by her employer, and in return she asked for a more detailed explanation. By doing that, she learned that what they actually wanted her to do was summarize the team’s to-do items at the end of a conference call, then follow-up next time to check on completion. If she had run with the earlier feedback and demonstrated aggression it could well have backfired!
You should also observe people you work with, especially the women leaders you admire. What specific actions and phrases do they use that result in them being perceived by others as constructively bold, opinionated, provocative and disruptive, taking the lead, and taking charge? Can you identify anyone who does this well, in a way that others appreciate and follow? What assertive leadership behaviors get rewarded in the team culture that you are a part of?
Combine power phrases with an open demeanor
To cultivate a stronger leadership presence without being perceived as negatively aggressive, use “power phrases” combined with your usual open, inclusive tone of voice and body language.
One leader who does this well is Donna Fujimoto Cole, founder and CEO of Cole Chemical, who has said that a leader needs to “Communicate well and communicate quickly.” Cole believes that good relationships make the business world go round. She is highly personable and strong leader and driver. A resource she highly recommends is The Leader Phrase Book by Patrick Alain. It includes phrases to use to speak like a leader when opening a topic for debate, saying no to your boss, disagreeing with someone, and what to say when someone is avoiding a topic.
With this communication style in mind, challenge yourself to speak up at least 25% more frequently than you did in the past, and make sure that you are regularly challenging your leaders’ thinking and assumptions. They want you to speak up so that your team can benefit from the wisdom you’re currently keeping under wraps.
Don’t let the little leadership opportunities pass you by
If you look carefully, you’ll see lots of little opportunities to take charge. Perhaps in the past you may have passively watched those moments go by, assuming someone else will take the lead. I want you get used to recognizing situations where there is a gap in leadership. Seize these opportunities speak up! Assume you are the ideal person to fill that gap with your management’s support.
Jo Miller is CEO of Women’s Leadership Coaching, Inc. Wondering how to become a leader? Join Jo at the Poised for Leadership workshop, May 29 in Sunnyvale, CA.
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1 comment:
I liked the idea of "re-frame what you think aggressive” means. The first word that comes to mind as a synonym for “aggressive” is “attacking”, but there are other much better synonyms such as enterprising and ambitious. My boss loves that I speak up, that I challenge his thinking, that I challenge my peers thinking and that I am even willing to challenge our CEO at a meeting for our division. The key is to be challenging, enterprising and ambitious while still being kind, respectful, and understanding. I do a lot of my "aggressive challenging" with phrases that start with something like "can you help me understand how the analysis we are looking at..." I find two parts of that type of phrasing to be really helpful when I am challenging what other people are thinking. 1) The first part is “can you help me” which makes people feel that I respect their thoughts and I am looking for their insight. 2) The second part is leaving the word “you” out of my reference to the thing I am challenging. As soon as the word “you” enters the mix, people automatically feel they are being attacked. There is a huge difference in response between “can you help me understand how this analysis supports the position that…” and “I don’t think your analysis supports the position that…” How I communicate is the key between being perceived as thoughtful and challenging versus bitchy and attacking!
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